In the least, a significant relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are disrupted and in the midst of the stress of transition there are legal ‘implications’ to be addressed before things can be resolved. It is a time when some of the most difficult and important decisions you will ever need to consider affecting you and your family need to be made. Add this to justifiably volatile emotions commonly associated with divorce and you truly have a difficult situation.
Getting the right help throughout this transitional time can support you and your family, helping you not only to cope with but also to make the best of difficult circumstances. An understanding of how strong emotions affect you with the right tools to direct them to work for you and not against you can have a positive impact on current and future outcomes. There are in truth two sides to the divorce process; the human emotional side and the formal legal side. Different managing strategies and skills are therefore necessary to address each of these aspects of divorce.
Depression, anxiety, anger, fear, frustration, guilt…….Painful as these emotions are, they generally are all natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. It is important to remember that with help you can quickly learn to manage these emotions, so that you can regain some control and security over your life. More importantly, bear in mind how things always change and although it is hard during these times to envisage anything positive, generally it does and can get much better. Directing your focus to ‘what can I do now’ rather than regretting past events or anticipating future upsets, changes your perspective.
How Our Emotions Affect Us
When strong emotions are present the primitive emotional part of the brain (limbic system) is in the ‘driving seat’. It is likened to a switch in the brain which ‘turns off’ the intelligent pre-cortex area. This area is necessary to be able to think clearly, take perspective and explore options (for deliberating the fof any decisionsine details ). Without this our thoughts are negatively focused, polarised – more black and white and the behaviour is often either reactive or unmotivated.
Although we are often unaware of this, all ensuing thoughts and perceptions are fuelled by these emotions. As a consequence your version of reality becomes increasingly distorted.
Some tips to help yourself
Ask yourself these questions:
1. How personally am I taking events? Are you blaming yourself for everything?
2. How pervasive am I viewing events? Do you think that everything in your life is bad at the moment? How about everything else in your life?
3. How permanent do you think things are? Have you considered that things can and will get better?
4. Are you aware of doing ‘all or nothing’ thinking? Much of life is not either/or but both/and.Use these questions to challenge any negative thoughts you may be having and consider how often you do this!
Also:
o Build a list of personal strengths and resources and all that is good in your life to help you through this phase.
o Focus your attention outwards, it is vital to concentrate on all other areas of your life. Consider what is good in your life and keep doing those things you previously enjoyed and may now have stopped.
o Identify times when you feel at your worst and build yourself a list of enjoyable distractions to change the way you anticipate and experience these times.
Other Things to Consider o Divorce can negatively affect children but this does not have to be the case. Be mindful of not letting a relatively short period of time affect the rest of their lives. o Sleep, strong emotions affect our sleep balance, creating a vicious cycle (restorative slow wave sleep is significantly reduced to compensate for excessive REM sleep). A founded cause of depression. The immediate result is tiredness, inability to concentrate or be motivated. |
